You too can have an internet affair!!

In the post-Spitzer era, balding statesman and neglected cougars alike long for the innocent days of cheap hotels, empty parking lots, and darkly lit bathroom stalls. Alas, those days are over. In fact, a thoroughly modern affair requires no bodily contact at all. Through the miracle of sexting and mutual masturbation by the glow of webcam, good times and cheap connections come at the speed of download.

Soon we will all conduct our weekend dalliances, trysts, and undulating libations within the sphere of cyberspace. Some of you may still be hesitant to make the switch, some of you will also be miserable and alone in the unforgiving years to come. As a wise man will probably tweet in the near future, your earthly visage fades and wears with time, your online profile lives eternal.

Now back to the business of internet lovemaking. Most of you may be familiar with dating sites just as match.com, eharmony.com or perhaps jdate.com for the Jewish philanderers among us. Some new to the scene may be tempted to limit their search to targeted sites like ashleymadison.com. I encourage you to broaden your horizons. Every social network is a plethora of carnal possibilities; whether you’re searching for romps, romance or dare I say it, true love.

Out there on the glistening superhighways of the wayward web is an erotic thrill ride waiting to be had. Yes, there’s an internet affair that’s right for you. All you have to do is google it. Still shy? Don’t fret. I have taken it upon myself to help ease the transition for the cybering neophytes among us. This handy guide determines the positives and negatives of each social network for you. After conducting a thorough study of infinite sites, over the course of five minutes, I’ve created a cost benefit analysis.


The MySpace Affair
Pro You can post semi-nude photos while listening to your lover's awesome band.
Con Your lover's bands isn't all that awesome.

The Twitter Affair
Pro I love you forever. 9:35 A.M. March 25th from bed
Con I hate you. 10:35 A.M. March 25th from bed

The New Facebook Affair
Pro After a hot session of superpoking, you paramour can shower you with gifts of underwear and scribble sweet nothings on your wall.
Con When your lover changes her status to "cheating prick", it will reappear with every update. And she will update it, every five seconds of the day.

The LinkedIn Affair
Pro Not only have you gained a lover but a crucial business contact.
Con His recommendation: “Beth is an incredible ASSet to any company, she will bend over backward, literally I mean literally. Beth is also a people person and a great team leader.”

The Second Life Affair
Pro Your avatars, are flawless.
Con In real life, you closely resemble gremlins.

The Blogger Affair
Pro He posts about you. You post about him. Soon you start vlogging together. And you’re the social networking "it" couple of the year.
Con You’re Julia Allison.

The Gmail Affair
Pro Favored by politicos, email affairs are a romantic combination of teary-eyed letters, late night g-chats, and pornie spam sharing.
Con Google is watching you.

The Craigslist Affair
Pro Not only have you found a new lover but he’s also renting out an apartment with great VIEWS three blocks from the SUBWAY with BEAUTIFUL HARDWOOD FLOORS.
Con Your chalk outline ruins the BEAUTIFUL HARDWOOD FLOORS.

I wish you good luck, my soon to be internet lovers.